Insomia-ish

The problem with setting a 1 a.m. bedtime for myself is that I can't really fall asleep before then...even though I want to. I was exhausted a few hours ago, but now my brain won't shut down.

In seeing how happy my roommate has been lately, I have started to review the choices I have made in the past year. Obviously we have the big life-changing choice of last April, which has consequently led to all of the smaller choices (some not so small) that followed:

1. Moving out--a good thing, though finacially a bit dicey at times. I do like having a place of my own (well, sort of) and I feel like an adult for the first time.

2. Drinking--made some VERY bad choices with that (as in, let's see how much we can consume) but now have made a good choice. It's been difficult at times, and I know I'm going to go off the wagon when I'm in Canada at least once to have a REALLY GOOD BEER, but I've prepared my parents for this and am hoping they'll back me on it. On the whole, it has been a smart choice, although see previous posts about difficulty socializing.

3. Sex--This relates to point two in a lot of ways. I went from being with one guy and thinking OMGTEHSEXOR=LURVE ONLY! to "Whatever, it's got a pulse, let's see what it can do." Both are extremes that are not good. I know I said a few posts ago (maybe half a dozen) that I was starting to feel the withdrawl, but I think it has more to do with the emotional disattachment (like that? Not even a word...) in which I was previously engaging in said activities. Singledom is very good...when everyone else you know is single. I like having someone special in my life though, someone who is happy to see me and wants to be with me. I mean, yes, friends and family can be like this, but it's different with someone in your life. You all know that, you're smart people.

I know this blog has really turned into a pity party for me lately, and I truly apologize for dragging you all into it. But it's easier to rain on people's parades all at once then to get each of you on the phone individually and sob about how much my life sux (My mother gets the brunt of it; the dear woman deserves a medal. Or a new car. Maybe I'll bake her cookiees...) Because I know my life doesn't really suck-I have a ton of things going for me (starting with my summer vacation) and I just need to accept that right now is my "alone time"...even if I wasn't particularly looking for it.

I should be using the time to write, or exercise or take up basketweaving, however. And I'm not because I am not, fundamentally, a loner--I like to do things with other people. But when the other people you know all have very busy, couple-y lives, it's hard to get them away from that to go to the beach with you or see a movie, take in a museum, whatever. I don't like to try new things when I'm by myself; I have a horrible fear of failure which is lessened when surrounded by people who will think I'm an ass but still love me anyway.

I know I should just grow up and realize life is not fair, as I know Ms. Kelly would tell me, or turn to God and let Him point me in a direction, as Ms. Sarah would suggest. Ms. Leila might tell me to find my inner pagan; Roommate would probably suggest I take up knitting. Or baking. Something domestic. Perhaps that way leads to inner peace. Ms. Amanda will suggest I throw footwear at the problem in an attempt to beat it into submission.

I don't think I came to any conclusions, and I'm not sure any of you will want to comment because I'm pretty sure you're sick of me kvetching about this all the time. I'm sorry that I'm wallowing; I'm trying to be better.

Tomorrow (well, today) is another day. Off I go to stare at the ceiling and hope to find some sleep.

I think I might have pictures up tomorrow of various good times (and my cat being cute). Look forward to not-so-whiney-postage in the near future!