Adventures in Sobriety

It's been two weeks since I've had a drink. It hasn't been too difficult, although my parents had what was apparently a beautiful bottle of red wine the other day and that was a little painful...not being able to taste it. Also, one does get sick of drinking nothing but water. Or iced tea.

The hardest part has been when my brother and I go out. Why? Because I am a wallflower. I don't know HOW to socialize with people; I am extremely uncomfortable chatting. After a drink or two, though, I'm fine; loosened up to the point that I don't stare at the ground or at the sky or at anything else but look at the person I'm talking to. I am so...I don't even think self-conscious is the right word for it. I just get nervous...anxious almost. Not to the point where I have a panic attack, but I'm not as comfortable. Not a reason to start drinking again, obviously, but an observation I've made about myself. An observation I've made before this, actually, it's just more pointed now.

So where does that leave us? It leaves us with Lady being Lady. I stand there with my hands in my pockets, sticking close to the people I know, hoping I might catch someone's eye, and not for being a complete loser, and they'll rescue me from the bubble of nervousness that surrounds me. And I'm sure at least someone out there is thinking "Well, just go talk to people!" Whomever is thinking that obviously isn't an introvert. We don't WANT to be quiet and shy...we just are. I'd love to be THAT girl, the one who can talk to anyone and be totally comfortable chatting it up with complete strangers. But I'm not. I see a cute guy and I freeze up, I look away if I think he might be considering making eye contact with me. I blush furiously.

Do I have any idea where this bizarre complex comes from? Nope. Might be slightly genetic; my mother tends to hang on the fringes, but my father can make the best of any situation. Shall we blame the books and the fact that reading about other people's lives is more exciting than having my own? I do tend to get wrapped up in fictional worlds...not as badly as I used to, obviously, but I'm very in my own head a lot of the time...I try not to let that part of me out for too many people, because it's kinda scarey. But it doesn't leave me with much. My job? Only other teachers trully appreciate teaching stories. I really try not to talk about my job out in social situations; it makes me feel like even MORE of a loser. "Oh, that girl over there only talks about her job." Shall I talk about my writing attempts? That really only interests other writers...or sci-fi geeks...because most of the general public wouldn't at all want to read what I've written.

So it always comes back to the geek in the pink. The problem is that truly geeky boys, the ones that might get it, tend to be...REALLY geeky. I tend to think of myself as relatively balanced in my geek-dom, although as I'm writing this I realize I need some sort of outside hobby. The gym/excercise doesn't count; no one REALLY wants to talk about reps and calories burned, do they? I mean, not for extended periods of time. Do I take up golf, like the rest of my family? Fly fishing? Ice carving? I mean...I do the stuff I like to do. But it doesn't appear to make me a very interesting person. Obviously the purpose of a blog is to navel-gaze, but I don't find much interesting if I review my life over the past...2 years? I think that's how long I've been at this. Personal drama, work drama, but nothing just says "That's me, that is who I am."

It is almost summer. In a week and three days I will be off for two months. In that time I do not know what I will be doing, really. I have a trip to Canada to visit family, a 3-day workshop that they're paying me for...but that's it. Do I buy another laptop battery and drag the slow-as-molasses machine outside, sit by the pool and try to put my writing life together? Do I spend 2-hours a day at the gym trying to be some toned goddess, as opposed to the flabby one I am now? Do I drive to the beach once a week, and hope that being my opposite element will rejuvinate me in some way? I am really bored with my life right now. I don't want drama, I just want something that makes me excited. Right now, not much does.