Wedding Crash
Forgive the free-flowing, partially self-induced depression, but it's really been awhile since I've done any of that and, quite frankly, I think it's healthy to do every once in awhile.
As I watched my friend's bridal party walk down the aisle, I was really angry that I wasn't part of it. And I don't even know if it's a justifiable feeling, but I was pissed. I mean, hello, how long have we known each other? Weren't we there for each other through EVERYTHING? And now on this HUGE day, you're telling me I don't get to be a part of it, other than to sit on the side lines? I'm angry, and really really upset. Like, on the point of tears, upset.
Also, weddings are depressing. I am so happy for Katie and Steve, but there's the part of me that is the single girl that isn't comfortable in her own skin, who is crying because it wasn't HER turn...AGAIN. For five years, I was waiting for it to be me...now I don't know if it EVER will be. I am not getting any younger here. I know the 20s are supposed to be our time to trip the light fantastic but...I've got a clock, and it ticks. I don't regret the choice I made back in April, and I know it was the right thing to do, but there's this voice in me that wonders if that was my only chance for marriage...can I be happy if I never get married? And I'm not looking for "a husband" with the new guy...I am just having a wonderful time at the moment. But I've got years of programming I'm trying to override.
Also, I hate how fucking introverted I am. I sat out most of the dancing at the wedding because I just don't fit in with the other people my age that were Katie's friends. Those were all her friends from college...I'm not a part of that crowd. I was never really ASKED to be a part of that crowd. Or was I asked, but something/one was holding me back? I don't know, but it was so fucking depressing to watch her be so happy and realize I wasn't sharing in it the way I always thought I would. That was a huge opportunity I missed out on today, and I don't know why I didn't get to be apart of it. And I couldn't even figure out a way to MAKE myself a part of it. The bachelorette party was fun, but it was really obvious I didn't fit in iwth those girls.
I'm gonna go have a good long cry now.
I suck.
As I watched my friend's bridal party walk down the aisle, I was really angry that I wasn't part of it. And I don't even know if it's a justifiable feeling, but I was pissed. I mean, hello, how long have we known each other? Weren't we there for each other through EVERYTHING? And now on this HUGE day, you're telling me I don't get to be a part of it, other than to sit on the side lines? I'm angry, and really really upset. Like, on the point of tears, upset.
Also, weddings are depressing. I am so happy for Katie and Steve, but there's the part of me that is the single girl that isn't comfortable in her own skin, who is crying because it wasn't HER turn...AGAIN. For five years, I was waiting for it to be me...now I don't know if it EVER will be. I am not getting any younger here. I know the 20s are supposed to be our time to trip the light fantastic but...I've got a clock, and it ticks. I don't regret the choice I made back in April, and I know it was the right thing to do, but there's this voice in me that wonders if that was my only chance for marriage...can I be happy if I never get married? And I'm not looking for "a husband" with the new guy...I am just having a wonderful time at the moment. But I've got years of programming I'm trying to override.
Also, I hate how fucking introverted I am. I sat out most of the dancing at the wedding because I just don't fit in with the other people my age that were Katie's friends. Those were all her friends from college...I'm not a part of that crowd. I was never really ASKED to be a part of that crowd. Or was I asked, but something/one was holding me back? I don't know, but it was so fucking depressing to watch her be so happy and realize I wasn't sharing in it the way I always thought I would. That was a huge opportunity I missed out on today, and I don't know why I didn't get to be apart of it. And I couldn't even figure out a way to MAKE myself a part of it. The bachelorette party was fun, but it was really obvious I didn't fit in iwth those girls.
I'm gonna go have a good long cry now.
I suck.
posted by LadyVader @ 4:58 PM
2 Comments:
At 6:03 PM ,
Likestrek said...
I was part of a wedding party once and really, if you're not the best man or maid of honor it sucks just as much as not being asked. Not having a date and dancing with your mother because your father couldn't make it and she really wanted to dance when the UMaine women's volleyball team was there and also dateless but you're too shy to talk to them anyway, now that sucks... (Two different weddings.)
At 1:14 AM ,
Kelly said...
First of all, he was NOT your only shot at marriage. Youre still so young, even if you wanted to be married young, you still have time. You've learned a lot and your next relationship will be SO much better... you're getting to know yourself all over again, and you'll be so much the wiser for it. And happier. You're letting your real self shine through and guys will see that and some of them will fall in love with you. You'll get too choose someone because they make you feel so good you'll want to spend your whole life with them. And in the meantime, while you're waiting, you'll grow more and more independent, bolder, and more comfortable as you say in your own skin. Trust me.
Besides, Sarah and I were just talking about you being in MY wedding party! You totally will be. And I won't make any of you wear ugly dresses.
Karen, I know you're tough, you just gotta remind yourself of that fact from time to time.
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