Um...

...someone was awfully thoughtful and sent me some stuff from Amazon.com. However, this person failed to identify his or herself in the greeting card. And also, since it is over a month before my birthday, I am wondering if this person has any further "opening instructions" for me.

I actually slept last night until 5 AM, which is almost when I wake up. Considering I took a TylenolPM and drank some bedtime tea, I should hope so. Let's see if we can go for a two-fer.

Work does not fundamentally suck, although since I'll be starting my portfolio next Monday, stress levels are rising and I am very prone to panic attacks at the moment.

Happy Samhain everybody!

Looking for a place to belong

After a weekend away from the apartment and at my parents' house I have come to the sad conclusion that I don't know where I belong. It seems to me that wherever I am is only a place to pass through, a place to occupy before I begin to exist some place else. This stretches even farther, to my place of employment, as the state has told me I might not know what I'm doing so, you know, don't get too comfortable. So as much as I love my job and most of my co-workers, I find myself pulling away: still devoted to what I do, but trying to not make too big of an impression, in case it's all over come June.

But what about the other part? This is no one's fault but my own, and yet I do not know how to feel more comfortable. Part of me wishes I could just go away for awhile, but I don't know where I'd go, or what I'd do once I got there. My g-d, when was the last time I wrote anything of note? When did I hear my characters? If I disappear from all this...whatever, will they find me again, sit down and have a chat so we can figure out what's going on?

I want to make my mark, feel like an independent person, but I need people too much. I see my stuff in the apartment, but it doesn't feel like any of the space is mine; it's more like storage. I go to my parents' place and, of course, nothing is mine there right now, although we talk about what I'll do with the bedroom if/when my brother leaves. But what if he doesn't? I can't move back into the house with he and his girlfriend there; too many people in one place. Where does that leave me? I wish I could strike out on my own, find a little condo for Cleo and I to hole up in until the worst of this is over, but I know that won't fix the problem. I'd be lonely. I'd be mopey. I'd eat bags of carrot sticks and drink lots of green tea, and then splurge on McDonald's French Fries to curb my salt craving, all to no avail.

Balance

Love my job: a student said to me this morning, in all seriousness, that she wanted to know the names of the OTHER Oedipus plays because she might want to read them.

Hate my job: I just got another study hall put in my schedule so my mentor could spend more time with the 7-year-veteran teacher who has to do a portfolio and is opting to do it in year one.

Love my job: Kids are happy to see me during the Open House tonight as we tour shops.

Hate my job: The fact that I'm just getting home now and it's 8:45.

Procrastination

I was told by a co-worker today, after I helped him set up his progress report on the computer, that if he wasn't married, he'd be trying to have sex with me, he was so excited. Then he changed his mind and said "No, I should be polite. I'd take you out to dinner first."

Some people see it as sexual harrassment. I was just amused.

I-Tunes Meme again (because I find it amusing and do NOT want to be doing real work):

1. How does the world see me?
"Because the Night"--10,000 Maniacs

2.Will I have a happy life?
"7 Minutes in Heaven"--Fall Out Boy

3. What do my friends really think of me?
"Ironic"--Alanis Morrissette

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
"Harry Sees Dragons"--Goblet of Fire soundtrack

5. How can I make myself happy?
"My Last Breath"--Evanescence

6. What should I do with my life?
"Hard Day"--George Michael

7. Will I ever have children?
"Quittin' Time"--Mary Chapin Carpenter

8. What is some good advice for me?
"Beautiful Goodbye"--Amanda Marshall

9. How will I be remembered?
"Science"--System of a Down

10. What is my signature dancing song?
"Knees of My Heart"--Jimmy Buffett

11. What do I think my current theme song is?
"Tears in Heaven"--Eric Clapton

12. What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
"Two Thousand Years"--Billy Joel

13. What song will play at my funeral?
"Score Tonight"--Grease 2 soundtrack

14. What type of men/women do I like?
"California Girls"--Gretchen Wilson

15. What is my day going to be like?
"The Temple of Poseidon"--Troy soundtrack

Shamless gift-asking

It's a little over a month until my birthday. I know some people might want to buy me something, but don't know what to get me. Below I have linked to my 3 amazon.com wishlists. If you want to get me something, try there. :)

Books
Movies
Music

Let Sleeping Humans Lie

Why can't the cats figure this out? I got to sleep in a bit today, because I'm going to one of many "hey, you idiot" meetings about my portfolio. I was shooting for 6:30, which doesn't seem unreasonable.

But at 5:58, Hob began his routine of "Are you up yet? Excuse me, you should be up now." This routine involves attacking poor Cleo while she is lying next to me, waking me up, and generally being a pain in the ass. So...yeah, didn't get to sleep in. Pissy is me.

Went to the Ren Faire on Sunday with my parents and had an okay time. It was really windy and, despite being dressed for said wind, I was freezing so we left after just a few hours. We sat through one show of "Pope and Cardinal," but it wasn't nearly as good as I had hoped. Part of this was because the other people in the area wouldn't shut up, but also there was too much audience participation. The Singing Executioners were much better.

Also, I must be getting desperate, because I checked out the MythicalJourneys and was actually considering it as something to do with myself. But I couldn't do it alone, and there's really no one that lives around here that would do it with me. The goddesses and I would've probably managed quite well, but that's about it.

So I'm definitely slipping into the Dark Side. I guess it started on Saturday, but the happiness just is not with me lately. I am hoping this is all purely hormonal and I'll be fine by the end of the week. As it is, I'm going to miss BNL this time around because no one can go with me to the concert. And the one thing I probably shouldn't do is go to the casino solo.

Gym books, bad days, and memes

1. I finished Pope Joan by Donna Woolfolk Cross today at the gym and I would highly recommend it to anyone who's got a thing for revisionist history. Or, rather, getting back to the original history. Essentially, there is a theory in some historical communities that between Popes Leo IV and Benedict, a woman named Joan ruled the Catholic church, under the name "John Anglicus." Obviously fictionalized, there are some parts that are predictable, but very much a girl-power kind of book.

2. My roommate had to deal with my mental breakdown on Tuesday, as I was ready to throw in the towel at work. Not because of the kids, but I felt both patronized (as in talked down to, not visited) and also ignored. All of this had to do with my *expletive deleted* portfolio. Roommate was nice and brought me a goodie bag of things I shouldn't be eating but, due to PMS, don't care.

3. MEME (I-Tunes Eight Ball) NB: For the love of g-d, what do these mean?

1. How does the world see me?
"Rubbed Out"--Duncan Sheik (Yikes!)

2.Will I have a happy life?
"The Norweigan Ridgeback and A Change of Season"--Harry Potter, SS (So, they're going to take away what I love, and then it'll snow. Crap)

3. What do my friends really think of me?
"My Humps"--Blackeyed Peas (I'm a slut; thanks guys)

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
"The Throne Room [End Titles]"--Star Wars, ANH (Um...yes?)

5. How can I make myself happy?
"Star People"--George Michael (That doesn't even make sense)

6. What should I do with my life?
"The Seduction of Princess Leia"--Star Wars, SotE (I should write bad novels connected to successful movies?)

7. Will I ever have children?
"All the Love a Heart Can Hold"--Sherrie Austin (So, yes then?)

8. What is some good advice for me?
"Back Where I Come From"--Kenney Chesney (Go home. Got it).

9. How will I be remembered?
"God Am"--Alice In Chains (giggle)

10. What is my signature dancing song?
"Back to You"--Matthew Sweet (Not really a heavy beat there)

11. What do I think my current theme song is?
"The Hop-Clop Goes On"--The Producers (snort)

12. What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
"One Kiss"--John Hiatt (Wow, that's funny...if you've got time for a long story)

13. What song will play at my funeral?
"Without Your Love"--SheDaisey (Quite possibly the only one that makes sense)

14. What type of men/women do I like?
"Underground Passage"--Witch Hunter Robin (I...got nothing)

15. What is my day going to be like?
"The Sith Spacecraft and the Battle"--Star Wars, TPM (that doesn't bode well)

Pirates of Penzanze

(or: the wonders of a goatee and long hair).

The show was VERY funny. I know it's been adapted some, and the setting was changed to the Carribbean but we laughed our ASSES off.

The Pirate King was hot...until you saw his cast picture. It is utterly amazing what a pirate hair-do and beard will do for a man. Yum-my.

On a purely shallow note, people should not be allowed into live theatre wearing jeans/track pants/etc. It's a performance, people, put on a pair of khakis or something. Also, this musical was not neccessarily for children and really, more parents should check what they're getting into before they bring their 9 year olds. One little girl was TERRIFIED of the pirates. I felt bad for her.

That is all. Off to be social.

Breaking the Silence

I'm not sure if any of you missed me, but I'm back. I left home Thursday morning and returned late Friday night, with a stop over at the parents' house and work. I cooked lagsagne (which went well) and was blessed with my father as wake-up-call at 5:50 in the morning. Ug.

Anyway, to update on the meeting: it went all right. I mean, the woman who met with my mentor and I was helpful in at least telling me where I went wrong. As my mentor pointed out, however, none of that was really explicitly stated in the handbook/rubric, nor was the information intimated at any seminar I attended. So, pardon my french, but how the FUCK was I supposed to know all this stuff? Back to square one, which is a shakey and unpleasant place to be.

I did get some pats on the back at the district-wide PD day we had yesterday, however. Several women who had been in my "BEST group" came up to me and asked how I did. Come to find out, a large percentage of people in my district only got 2's...which is the lowest passing score. And people who shouldn't have failed, did. So either my district hires all the nimrods (which it could very well be) or the scoring was skewed this year. Let's hope it's the latter.

On the plus side, there were a couple of really good looking guys in my breakout group yesterday. And since I was "group manager," I had to look at them often to re-affirm their words. So it didn't totally suck to be me.

Mom, Gram and I are going to see The Pirates of Penzance this afternoon. I should probably finish my laundry and go to the gym before then, however. I've been eating excessively the last week because my grandparents get REALLY good food from Mom.

Hope everyone enjoys their long weekend (if they are so blessed).

A pre-bedtime ponder

Where does your rage go?

Most of you know that while a lot of things piss me off, rarely do I let go the rage in any sort of tangible form. I have discovered, however, that the other drivers on the road are the PERFECT targets for my anger, as they cannot hear me and really can only maybe see the dirty looks I give them as I drive past.

I consider myself to be a pretty good driver, although I'm not known for adhering strictly to the posted speed limits. But when I get on the road, and people are being stupid, I tend to get really pissed off. I can't yell at work so I yell in the car.

That's it for that. Tomorrow is my meeting about my portfolio. Woo. Freaking. Hoo.

An open letter to Jerry Bruckheimer

Why, Mr. Bruckheimer? Why do you feel the need to torture your viewers by torturing or mis-matching your characters? Catherine Willows has led a very screwy life; did you have to put her through all that crap in the first two episodes? And I'm still not happy about the whole Gil-Sara thing, although I must admit watching them hide it is rather entertaining.

Thank you.

*************************************************************************
On a separate note, it is always entertaining to share a shower with someone. The reason? Everyone likes the showerhead at a different angle. I prefer to shower as close to the wall as humanly possible. My roommate (who is shorter than I am) prefers to shower a little ways away. Her boyfriend (tall boy) tips the showerhead way up so he can get himself underneath (I'm assuming, I've never actually seen him shower). I got into the shower this evening and...woah. It was funny.

Allergies were bad today because of the rain and I'm hoping that it'll calm down.

Ready for bed now. Don't want to work this week.